Joy and Sorrow
by adpi24
Summary: Revised. Sara has kept a secret from everyone and it will effect the people who matter the most to her. Please R&R.
1. Chapter One

Joy and Sorrow

Disclaimer: Don't own them

Pairings: Will be a N/S story with very slight G/S. The G/S is really just for conflict.

AN: This is an AU (alternative universe) fiction, therefore the characters are going to be slightly different than they are on the show.

For all of those who have read this story before you might notice some differences. I decided to go back and "touch up" the fiction, mainly because I really didn't like what I had written or where the story was going.

So because this is a new version of the story I want to say a quick thanks to all the people who reviewed the "other" version of Joy & Sorrow:

azurehart, cuddy cabin, equestrian-babe101, bubble-rouge08, Cheryl A. McCay, csi-chick1, sweet preserves, sue bedford, triple-rocks, megs23, stokes-csi3, ljae, pendray, missyjane, candancefabulous, crazypixie, nepeace, lynnm, petitecat, spikes-storm, demonic barbie doll, emily elizabeth, csi-freak03, krisnina77, jhfortier, emmymik, csi424, lj, prillygirl.

I would appreciate any feedback (which does not include flames) from readers.

* * *

December 5th, 2009

Sara Sidle slowly opened her eyes, light was fading in from outside. She slowly got up from her position in the chair that she had uncomfortably slept in. She walked over to a bed that lay in the middle of the room. She pulled the blanket up the sleeping person and tucked it up around their shoulders. She bent over and kissed the person, slowly running her hand over their forehead.

"Sara" a voice called out from the opposite end of the room.

Sara turned and spoke, "Maggie, hi"

Maggie walked into the room, stopped and stood next to Sara.

"I noticed that you slept in the chair again"

"Yeah, I'm sorry"

"Sara, there is no need to apologize"

"I just couldn't leave her"

"I know Sara, I know"

Before either of them could reply, a tiny voice came from the bed, "Mommy".

"Hello baby, how do you feel?"

"Icky"

"Oh, I know you do baby. I know you do."

"Mommy, when can we go home?"

"Not for a while sweetheart"

"Hannah, do you remember me?"

Hannah turned her head to look at the other woman in the room and a huge grin broke out over her face.

"You're Maggie"

"That's right" Maggie replied and walked over to the left side of Hannah's bed. "I hate to do this to you sweetie, but I need to draw some more blood from you, okay?"

Hannah's eyes began to fill with tears and Maggie quickly spoke up, "it's not going to hurt sweetheart. See the IV in y our arm" Maggie stated pointing to it and Hannah nodded, "I'm going to get the blood from there so I'm not going to poke you again, it might tickle a little but it's not going to hurt"

"Promise" Hannah whispered

"I promise"

Maggie began arranging the vials she needed to collect. She looked over to Sara who was standing pensively next to her daughter.

"Sara why don't you go get some coffee and jump in the shower, I know Doctor Mitchum wants to speak with you today. I'll stay with Hannah until you get back"

Sara sighed, "I don't know"

"Its okay mommy, I like Maggie"

"But aren't you off Maggie"

"Technically, but I wanted to get Hannah's blood drawn, and her day nurse is running a little late anyways, so it's fine Sara, go get some coffee and a shower, I'll stay with her. She'll be fine"

Sara looked down at her daughter and was amused to see that Hannah's resolve face mirrored her own. Sara nodded, walked over to the closet and grabbed her overnight bag.

"I'll be back in 15 minutes"

"Sara take your time" Maggie ordered

"Okay, be good Hannah" Sara ordered her daughter

"I promise mommy"

Sara nodded and quickly exited the room.

Hannah turned her attention back to Maggie who was finishing up with the last vial of blood.

"So Miss Hannah" Maggie stated sitting down in the chair next to her after asking another nurse to run the vials down to the lab, "what do you want for your fifth birthday?"

"I want to get my ears pierced, but mommy says she has to think about it"

Maggie smirked at the comment and could see Sara making that comment to her daughter, "and what else?"

Hannah's face suddenly became serious, "I don't want to be sick anymore and I don't want to see mommy cry anymore"

Maggie reached over and took the little girls hands into her own.

"Hannah that is such a sweet thing to want for your birthday. I truly hope that it comes true for you and for your mom"

Maggie quickly changed the subject to one of Hannah's favorite cartoons, which was the conversation the two were embroiled in when Sara returned to the room looking refreshed.

"Thanks Maggie, your right I needed that"

"Your welcome, I'll see you two this evening"

"Bye Maggie thanks for everything" Sara replied

"Bye Maggie" Hannah called out

"Bye guys" Maggie returned before leaving the room

Maggie quickly walked to the nurse's station.

"Natalie, did you put a rush on that lab work" she called out to her coworker while grabbing her jacket and purse.

Natalie looked up from the computer screen she was staring at, "for which patient?"

"Hannah, Hannah Stokes"

"Yeah, they said the results should be back within 24 hours, unfortunately they had just gotten slammed with rush orders from the ER and you know that the ER gets priority"

"Yeah, I'll check this evening when I come in. I'll see you later"

"Bye, have a nice day"

Maggie headed out of the children's ward and out of the hospital into the cold-blistering wind that Chicago had to offer. Her mind not on returning home to see her husband and children, but on the mother and child she had just left in the hospital.


	2. Chapter Two

Joy and Sorrow

Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I don't own them

Pairing: N/S, with very, very slight G/S. The G/S is for conflict purposes only

Please read authors notes in chapter one

A thanks goes out to everyone else who reads this and reviews. I appreciate it.

Thank you to Missy for rereading these new chapters.

* * *

December 7th, 2009 10:35am

Maggie was exhausted. After working a twelve hour shift at the hospital she had to do some grocery shopping. She was in the process of putting the groceries away when her cell phone rang; she looked at the caller id and saw that it was Doctor Mitchum.

"Hello"

"Maggie, its Robert"

"Hello, what can I do for you?"

"I was hoping you might be able to come back to the hospital, I'll give you this evening off"

"Why? What's going on?"

Robert sighed "I know how close you are to Ms. Sidle and her daughter Hannah"

"Yes"

"Well, I just got Hannah Stokes blood work back and I'm quite concerned. Ms. Sidle has mentioned that she doesn't have any family here so..."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes" Maggie instantaneously replied

"Thanks Maggie"

They ended the call and Maggie quickly wrote a note to her husband and children, grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

December 7th, 2009 11:00am

Maggie, Natalie and Doctor Mitchum slowly walked into Hannah's room. Maggie could tell by the doctor's face that the results weren't good but she didn't push him for the results. She would wait until Sara found out, they would find out together. Natalie had agreed to stay with Hannah while they were talking.

"Maggie" Hannah yelled as soon as she walked into the room "What are you doing here? I thought you went home?"

"I did sweetie but I wanted to stop by and see you again, plus I needed to speak to your mommy for a bit, is that okay?"

"Yeah"

"Hey Sara"

"Maggie" Sara replied, her eyes now moving to Doctor Mitchum and Natalie who were still standing by the door. Sara instantly knew that the results of Hannah's blood work were back and that it wasn't good. She took a deep breath.

"Mommy are you okay?" Hannah asked, worried

"Yeah baby" Sara said turning to her daughter "I need to talk to Maggie and your doctor for a bit"

"I'll stay here with you Hannah, if that's okay?" Natalie immediately supplied

"Okay, but can we watch cartoons"

Natalie smiled, "Yeah sure"

Natalie sat down in the chair next to Hannah while Sara, Maggie and Doctor Mitchum left the room.

"Why don't we go to my office?" Doctor Mitchum stated

Sara's reply was a short nod and she followed them to his office. Once inside Sara and Maggie took the seats in front of the desk and Doctor Mitchum went behind.

"Sara, I got the blood work back on Hannah" Doctor Mitchum stated, getting right to the point.

"And" Sara whispered

"I'm sorry Sara, but we've discovered that Hannah has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, otherwise known as A L L"

Sara's chin began to quiver and her eyes began to fill with tears, "What?" she asked softly

"Sara, she has cancer"

The damn that was holding Sara's tears back broke and they fell in earnest. Maggie moved from her chair and hugged Sara; she too was fighting to hold back the tears. After a couple of minutes, Sara pulled away, tears still streaming down her face.

"Is my baby going to die?"

"Sara, I know how shocking this is to you. I've been looking through all of Hannah's results and unfortunately her real only option is a Blood Stem Cell Transplant"

"Blood Stem Cell Transplant, what....what....what is that?"

"It's just a fancy name for a Bone Marrow Transplant" Maggie replied

"Now Sara, we'll run some tests on you, but chances are you won't be a match."

"What about her father?"

"Chances are he won't be a match either, in fact even if Hannah had other siblings that were biologically related to her, meaning from you and her father, they would only have a 25 percent chance of matching, which is far better than a stranger donor. But I'll put Hannah's name on the registry. I don't know the relationship you have with Hannah's father, but I suggest calling him and having his family tested. Okay?"

"Okay"

Doctor Mitchum rummaged through his desk and grabbed a handful of pamphlets for Sara, "here is some information on A L L, support groups, frequently asked questions and whatnot, although you can always come to me, these might give you some answers. Also, the internet is a wonderful array of information"

"Thank you"

"Why don't you go see your daughter?"

Sara nodded, "I think I need to call her father first"

"Why don't you use my office, I need to do rounds" Doctor Mitchum offered

"Thank you"

Maggie and Doctor Mitchum got up and quickly left the office to give Sara some privacy.

Sara stood, walked around the desk and sat back down. She honestly didn't know what to do. She hadn't spoken to Nick in five years.

She knew that he had moved back home to Texas shortly after she had left Las Vegas, she had found out from Greg. Greg had also given her his phone number. Although she had his number memorized she had never had the guts to pick up the phone in the last five years to call Nick. She was terrified of calling him now, but she needed to do it. She needed to do it not only for herself but for Hannah.

Dallas, Texas

Nick Stokes was exhausted. He had just gotten home from work. He worked graveyard at the Dallas CSI crime lab. He had had to stay longer to finish up some work but was relieved that he didn't have to pull a double.

He walked into his apartment and threw his keys down on the kitchen counter and grabbed the milk jug from the fridge. Not even bothering to grab a cup, he took a long swig of milk. He was interrupted by his home phone ringing.

He wiped his mouth and put the milk back into the fridge and managed to grab the phone before the machine picked up.

"Hello"

"Nick"

"Yeah"

"Nick, its Sara"

Nick took a deep breath and walked over to his couch and sunk into it.

"Nick are you still there"

"Yeah"

Suddenly all the feelings that Nick had tried to repress came roaring back. His love for her, his hate for her.

"Look, I know that we haven't spoken since that day and I know you are probably still pissed at me, but that is the least of my concerns right now"

"What do you want Sara?" Nick sternly stated

Sara took a deep breath before continuing, here was the tough part of the conversation.

"Nick, I have a daughter. You have a daughter. Her name is Hannah and well she's sick, really sick. I...."

The tears that had stopped had now started up again. She hated crying, least of all "in front" of Nick.

Nick sat in silence, listening to Sara cry on the other end of the phone. His brain was reeling. He had a daughter, a daughter that he had no idea of her existence and she was sick to boot.

"Sara, please stop crying." Nick said soothingly "You need to stop crying so you can talk to me."

Sara took another deep breath before talking, "Hannah has been sick for a while and she wasn't getting any better. The doctors just kept telling me that it was a bacterial infection and kept giving her drugs. Well a few days ago she passed out at the house. I freaked. I immediately called nine one one and got her to the hospital. They had to draw a bunch of blood and I found out today...." She died off

"Sara what did you find out?"

"Nicky, she has cancer." Sara said "She has what they call Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Her doctor said that she has to have a bone marrow transplant to survive." Sara paused before she continued, "I'm so sorry Nick. I'm so sorry for everything. Everything I have done. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I've done so much in my life that I'm ashamed of. I know that you are mad at me. I understand that. For what I did to you five years ago, for what I'm doing to you now. For not telling you about Hannah sooner. I am so sorry. But please don't punish Hannah for my mistakes. Please. She needs you."

Nick sat in silence for a moment, processing what Sara had just told him.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Please ask your family to get tested. I'm sure Hannah's doctor, Doctor Mitchum might know of some good doctors in Texas that your family can go to. He said that chances are they won't match but we can hope."

"What about you or me matching?" Nick asked

"He didn't think we would. He said that even if Hannah had a biological sibling that that child would only have a 25 chance of matching."

"I'll talk to my family. I'll get them to get tested and have my nieces and nephews tested, you may never know."

"Thank you Nick"

"I'm not doing this for you Sara; I'm doing this for Hannah."

"I know. By the way, I'm living in Chicago now."

"Huh."

"We may not have seen each other in awhile, but I know you Nick. I know that you will be calling your family and then be booking yourself on the next flight. Just thought I would help you out a bit." She paused "Listen, I wanna get back to Hannah. I'll see you soon."

"Bye Sara"

"Bye Nick"

Sara hung up the phone. The conversation with Nick had actually gone better than she thought it would be. She really expected a yelling match, but she also knew that Nick was now heading to Chicago and that that yelling match would inevitably come true. She got up from the desk and headed out of the office, stopping in the bathroom to wash her face. She didn't want Hannah to see that she had been crying.

As she walked back to Hannah's room, Sara's mind began to wonder on how to tell her daughter that she was sick, so sick that she had to have a transplant. She also had no idea how to tell Hannah about Nick. Sara hadn't kept Nick much of a secret to Hannah. She knew that she had a father, but that he lived far away and she never got to see him.

She got back to Hannah's room and saw that Maggie had replaced Natalie on keeping her company.

"Hey munchkin" Sara called out

"Mommy, where have you been?"

"Well, mommy had to make some phone calls, I'm sorry"

"Its okay, Maggie and I were just coloring"

"I see that, what have you got here?" Sara said admiring her daughter's picture of a house, sun and rainbow. "This is very pretty honey, we'll have to put it on the fridge when we get home"

"Okay"

"Well I better be going" Maggie stated. Maggie leaned over and gave Hannah a tiny hug. Sara walked her out of the room, silently speaking to her.

"I don't know how to tell Hannah that she is sick"

"I wish I could tell you how to do that Sara, but I can't" Maggie paused "were you able to get a hold of her father"

"Yeah, he's on his way here now, which just makes this even more complicated"

"Why"

"Because Nick, her father, he didn't know about her until fifteen minutes ago when I told him she has cancer" Sara paused "Thanks for everything Maggie"

"Your welcome"

Sara turned and walked back over to her daughter, determined to enjoy the precious time they had together until Nick showed up, anger and all.


	3. Chapter three

Joy and Sorrow

Chapter Three

Disclaimer: Don't own them.

Please see authors notes in chapter one

Pairings: N/S with a slight G/S, the G/S is for conflict purposes only.

Remember time changes. Because this story takes place in December, daylight savings has ended, so Chicago and Dallas are 2 hours ahead of Las Vegas. Not that this will be very crucial, it's just more for the readers to be aware of.

* * *

Nick had managed to get on a direct flight from Dallas to Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, leaving at 2:10pm. As he sat in first class about an hour into his three hour flight

his mind began to drift to his daughter.

His daughter.

A daughter that he hadn't known about until around 11:30 this morning, has cancer.

It certainly was a life changing moment if not anything else. Eventually his mind began to drift to him and Sara. After over three years of working together and having a close friendship, he finally asked her out. Their first date was at The Venetian. He took her to one of the many restaurants located within the hotel. They talked about anything and everything, opening up to each other in a way they hadn't before. Two months later they came to Texas to celebrate Thanksgiving with Nick's family. His family was thrilled that Nick was dating someone, especially someone who seemed extremely important to him. Finally his mind wondered to New Years Eve, the first time they slept together.

"_Okay we're here" Nick stated_

"_Where is here? I've been blindfolded the entire drive" Sara said frustrated at her predicament_

"_Well Sara it was a surprise and it couldn't have been a surprise if you saw everything"_

"_Ha ha, Nicholas"_

'_Nicolas, man she's pissed at me' Nick thought to himself. He parked the car and reached over to Sara, turned her body so that he could remove her blindfold. Once he did the scowl that was on Sara's face disappeared into an array of shock, dismay and then happiness._

"_Oh my god Nick, it's beautiful"_

_Nick had taken her to a cabin within the Arizona Kaibab National Forest. The forest surrounded The Grand Canyon. At the time, Arizona's northern half of the state received a tremendous snow storm, which was actually quite uncommon. The ground was covered with snow, which glistened from the trees and decorated the cabin._

_Sara opened her door and hopped out of the Denali, Nick quickly followingt. He opened the passenger door and grabbed their luggage, following Sara to the door of the cabin. He reached into his pockets and pulled out the keys, opening the door and holding it for Sara._

_The cabin was even more beautiful inside than outside. There was a brown couch in the middle of the living room, directly in front of the fireplace. The couch had a hand quilted throw on the top. Nick laid their luggage down at the door and shut it, allowing the cold air to stay outside. He and Sara began to explore the cabin. To the rear of the cabin was a tiny, but practical kitchen. To the left of the kitchen was the door that led to the bedroom. The bedroom was enormous, A king size bed sat in the middle of the room, with small end tables on each side. Directly in front of the bed sat a rectangular dresser, which was home to a TV, VCR and DVD player. The window, on the right side of the room showed the incredible view of the snow covered forest._

"_Nick this place is amazing, how did you find it?" Sara asked_

"_Catherine suggested it. I guess before she and Eddie divorced they took Lindsey up here a few times"_

_Sara walked over to Nick and embraced him, "it's beautiful Nick, and I love it."_

"_I'm glad"_

_They held each other, enjoying the warmth each others body gave to the other. Nick finally pulled apart when he noticed Sara was shivering._

"_Why don't you grab a blanket and warm yourself up while I attempt to start a fire"_

"_Wait a minute; the handsome and incredible Nick Stokes doesn't know how to start a fire?" Sara teased_

_Nick swatted her on the ass and left the room, leaving her laughing._

_For dinner Nick made pasta and garlic bread. They were now sitting in front of the fire drinking some wine and enjoying each others company. Before Nick knew what happened, Sara got up from the couch, pulled him up with her and led him into the bedroom. They began kissing each other and slowly made love to one another. Later on as Nick held Sara tightly she whispered the three words he had been longing to hear:_

"_I love you"_

_Nick pulled her body closer to his and whispered back, "I love you too, Sara"_

"We are beginning our descent into the Chicago O'Hare International Airport. Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your seats and tray tables are in their upright and locked position. Thank you"

"Sir, sir" a voice clouded through Nick's mind

"Huh, what?" Nick said, not quite awake. He looked up to see the smiling face of one of the flight attendants assigned to first class over him

"Please put your seat in the upright position, we are making our descent"

"Uh, okay" Nick replied and did as he was told. He looked down at his watch and realized he had slept over half the flight. He shook his head, he had been dreaming about Sara and their declarations of love for one another; no matter how hard he tried he couldn't shake that out of his memory.

Nick managed to keep his mind off of Sara for the remainder of the flight. Once off the plane he followed traffic to the baggage claim. After about fifteen minutes he was able to retrieve his bags, he then headed over to Thrifty rent a car. He had booked a car over the phone while he was waiting at the Dallas airport. He quickly gave the bored sales representative his name and id, which they in turn eagerly took his credit card and handed him the keys to a mid-size car. The woman gave him directions to Northwestern Memorial Hospital along with a map and Nick was on his way.

Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Room 602 6:15pm

"Mommy, I'm hungry" Hannah whined to Sara

Sara got up from her chair and walked over to her purse, "Do you want me to run down to the cafeteria and get you something baby"

"Yeah, can I have a cheeseburger and some chocolate ice cream?"

"Sure baby, do you think you'll be okay by yourself while I run down there?"

"Yes mommy, I'll be fine"

"Okay, I'll be right back"

Sara grabbed her purse and walked out of the room, letting Hannah's nurse, Alice, know that she was going to get some food for the two of them. Alice promised she would run down in a couple of minutes and check on Hannah. Sara thanked her and headed towards the elevator, pushing the down button. The left elevator dinged and she walked closer to it. The elevator door opened and Sara came face to face with Nick.

"Nick" Sara said surprised

"Sara"

"You got here quick."

"After we hung up I called the airlines and booked the first flight here."

"I know this might sound odd, coming from me, after all that we have been through, but I'm glad you're here."

"Where were you heading Sara?" Nick asked, still standing in the elevator

"Oh, Hannah's hungry, so I was going to run down to the cafeteria to get her some food. Why don't you come with me?"

"Sure" Nick said continuing to hold the door of the elevator open. Sara walked into the elevator and reached around Nick and pressed the "L2" button.

"She wants a cheeseburger and chocolate ice cream" Sara said breaking the silence "I think your predisposition to wanting hamburgers and steak is genetic because lord knows I don't eat the stuff"

"Has she always eaten hamburgers and steak?" Nick quickly asked

"Yeah. I remember the first time she wanted one. I about died that my daughter wanted one. But then I thought about you" Sara paused as the elevator stopped and the doors opened "and I couldn't turn her down"

They walked over to the grill and Sara ordered a cheeseburger for her daughter. She then turned to Nick, "do you want anything to eat?"

"Can I also get a cheeseburger?"

"Sure" the grill person responded

As they waited, in silence, Nick kept looking Sara up and down. She looked thinner and there were bags under her eyes.

"Sara have you ate today?" Nick asked the concern evident in his voice.

Sara shook her head, "no"

Nick nodded and left Sara. She got a bewildered look on her face and returned to facing the cook, waiting for the food. A couple of minutes later Sara put both Hannah's and Nick's cheeseburgers on her tray. She turned around and saw Nick walking back over to her with a tray of his own. As he got closer she saw that he had gotten some spaghetti and garlic bread, he also picked up two small bowls of chocolate ice cream.

"Nick, why do I have a cheeseburger for you, when you have spaghetti now?" Sara asked slightly confused

"The spaghetti is for you" Nick stated and walked over to the open refrigerated area. He grabbed milk for Hannah and two ice teas, one for him and Sara. Sara just stood, shocked, in place, watching him. He turned and looked at her.

"Come on Sara, let's get this food back"

Sara nodded and followed Nick to the cashier. She began pulling money out of her wallet to pay for her and Hannah's food, when Nick touched her hand, indicating to put her money away. Sara pulled her hand back, surprised, and put her money back into her wallet. She followed Nick over to the condiments where she grabbed napkins. Nick was grabbing ketchup and mayonnaise packets when he looked over and gave Sara a questioning look, Sara immediately knew what he was asking.

"She likes ketchup and mayonnaise, just like you" Sara replied, whispering the last part. She was beginning to realize that Hannah had many of her fathers eating habits, which astonished Sara considering Hannah had never met her father.

Nick grabbed another mayonnaise and ketchup packet. He then began walking towards the elevator, Sara following closely behind. They rode in silence up to the sixth floor and continued in silence to Hannah's room.

"Hey Sara" Alice called out as they approached the nurses station

"Hello Alice, was Hannah good for you?"

"Yeah, she's a perfect little angel." Alice paused and noticed Nick

"Alice, this is Nick, Nick this is Alice, she is Hannah's nurse right now"

"Nice to meet you Alice"

"You too Nick" Alice supplied, completely smitten by the Texan

"Well we better get Hannah's food back to her, thanks for keeping on eye on her Alice" Sara replied, somewhat uneasy by the looks Alice was giving Nick. For the first time in five years, jealousy over Nick ran rampant through her veins.

Sara started up walking towards Hannah's room, Nick this time following closely behind.

"Hannah" Sara stated as she and Nick walked in the room "I'm back"

"Mommy" Hannah replied ecstatically "Who's that?" she asked pointing to Nick

"This is my good friend Nick. What do you say?"

"Hello Nick" Hannah stated very politely, reaching her arm out to shake his hand

Nick laid the tray of food down on the table in the corner of the room and went to Hannah's bed and took her tiny hand into his, "Hello Hannah, it's nice to meet you"

"You talk funny"

Nick chuckled at her comment

"Hannah!!!" Sara exclaimed "Be nice"

"Sara, it's okay" Nick replied, still amused with his daughters comment "Well, I'm from Texas"

"Really. My daddy lives in Texas. Mommy says that he works for the Dallas Police Department and that my daddy's family all lives in Dallas too"

Nick turned towards Sara and gave her a surprised look; he never expected Sara, let alone Hannah, to know about his life since he left Las Vegas. Sara gave him a look that distinctly said "we'll talk about it later" and Nick nodded. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realize that Hannah was still talking to him until she asked him a question.

"So do you?" Hannah finished

Nick shook his head, "I'm sorry Hannah, what was the question?"

Hannah smiled, "Do you know my daddy?"


	4. Chapter Four

Joy and Sorrow

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money off them, but I would most definitely take George off of their hands.

Pairing: N/S, with slight G/S. The G/S is for conflict purposes only.

AN: Again, please see authors notes from the first chapter concerning this story.

Sorry to have left you hanging last chapter. (Insert evil laugh). No not really.

You know I love y'all.

* * *

"So do you" Hannah finished

Nick shook his head, "I'm sorry Hannah, what was the question?"

Hannah smiled, "do you know my daddy?"

Nick took a deep breath and looked over at Sara, unsure of how to respond to such an important question. In his heart he knew that Hannah had every right to know who he was her father, but he wasn't sure that this was the appropriate time or place to tell her; for God's sake she had just met him.

Sara walked over to Hannah's door and shut it. She had lied to Hannah and Nick for five years it was time for her to face the music and tell them the truth.

Hannah watched her mother close the door and suddenly became concerned, "mommy what's wrong?"

"Nothing Hannah, I just thought we should have some privacy is all, why don't you try eating your cheeseburger"

"But I want to know if Nick knows my daddy?" Hannah whined

"Hannah" Sara sighed "I'll answer the question for you if you would just take a bite of your cheeseburger; you barely touched your lunch"

"Fine" Hannah replied dejectedly. She slowly began eating her cheeseburger, as did Nick. Sara sat back down and watched the two of them. Hannah looked so much like Nick that it was uncanny. They both put the ketchup on the top bun, then removed the bottom bun and put the mayonnaise on. She couldn't help but laugh.

Nick looked over to her with a question on his face, "What?"

"Sorry nothing" she replied with a smirk still evident on her face.

She continued watching them in silence trying to figure out exactly how she should phrase the upcoming conversation with Hannah. How should she tell Hannah that her 'friend' Nick was actually her father?

"Mommy, why aren't you eating?" Hannah asked worried about her mother

"I'm sorry baby, I've got my mind on other things" Sara began cutting up her spaghetti and put a small portion on her fork and into her mouth.

"Is your spaghetti good mommy?"

"Yeah, just a little cold but its good"

The three of them continued to eat in silence for about another five minutes when Hannah suddenly pronounced that she was full.

"Okay, I've ate mommy, now can Nick answer my question"

Sara sighed and moved her plate back to the table beside her, Nick did the same.

"Hannah, Nick isn't going to answer your question, I am"

"Okay, does Nick know my daddy?" Hannah asked again

"Yes he does"

Hannah's face lit up, "really, do you work with him? What does he look like?" then her face fell "why doesn't he want to see me?"

Sara ran her hand through her hair "Hannah baby" she said, stood and walked over to her bed sitting on the edge of it and facing her daughter.

"Hannah, I need to you to listen to what mommy says very carefully, and if you want to yell at mommy once I'm done you can, okay?"

Hannah raised her eyebrows confused "okay"

Sara took a deep breath, "Hannah the reason Nick knows your daddy is because" she paused and looked at Nick then back at Hannah "is because Nick is your daddy"

Hannah's face grew even more confused, she looked past her mother to the man she now knew as her father and whispered "Did you not love me? Was I a bad girl?"

"Oh god baby, no, you're not a bad girl. This is all mommy's fault. It's not your fault, it's not daddy's fault, it's my fault." Sara pulled Hannah into her arms "it's not your fault baby, it's my fault"

Sara held her daughter for a moment before pulling back and continuing, "baby when I got pregnant with you, daddy and I had a fight, a really, really bad fight. This fight was my fault. I...I...then...I then decided to leave Las Vegas. I couldn't face your daddy anymore. I found out I was pregnant with you after I left. I was so ashamed with the fight I had with your daddy that I didn't tell him about you. I was stupid and I will forever be sorry that I didn't tell your daddy. I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry."

By this time tears were running down Sara's face. The guilt and the memories from five years before came crashing back into her head. She stood up from the bed, turned and faced Nick and mouthed "I'm sorry" then ran out of the room, leaving father and daughter alone for the first time in five years.

Sara ran out of Hannah's room at full speed. She loved her daughter, but she needed to get out of there. Everything was crashing back into her memory. She didn't want to remember, she had worked so hard at pushing those memories back and not reliving them. Now she had too.

_March 2004_

_After working an incredibly hard case with Grissom, Sara was ready to call it a day. She began searching around the lab for Nick and found him in the DNA lab talking to Greg._

"_Nick" Sara called out to him_

"_Hey Sara"_

"_You almost done?"_

"_No, I'm sorry. A call came in on a 419; Warrick and I were assigned to it. Sorry"_

"_Its okay" Sara replied, she walked over to him and gave him a light peck on the lips. The night shift team knew about their blossoming relationship, but they kept themselves in check at work, "I'll see you later"_

"_Bye hon" Nick replied turning back to Greg_

_Sara walked out of the room and headed towards the locker room to grab her stuff. She quickly stowed her jacket away and grabbed her keys. As she was leaving, she ran into Grissom, he looked as tired and devastated as she did._

"_Hey Griss"_

"_Sara"_

_She stopped him, "hey why don't you come over. I mean we're still friends, plus you assigned Nick to pull a double" Sara replied with some humor in her voice._

"_Sure why not, better than going home to an empty apartment"_

"_Okay, I'll meet you at my place and we can talk about the case and stuff"_

_They walked out to their respective Denali's in silence, each hopping in and starting the engines. Grissom ended up following Sara to her place, to which they arrived in about fifteen minutes._

_Grissom followed Sara into her apartment and shut the door behind her._

"_Do you want something to drink? I know that I seriously need alcohol right now, you want?" Sara asked_

"_Uh sure, whatever you're having"_

_Sara nodded, "Make yourself comfortable" and walked to the kitchen. She opened the fridge and grabbed two beers and brought them out to the living room where Grissom had sat down on the couch._

"_Here you go" Sara stated, handing him a beer_

"_Thanks"_

_The two sat their in silence, drinking their beers. Within minutes they had each finished the one and Sara went and grabbed them another. This went on for some time. They continued to talk and drink. Eventually they had gone through 4 beers a piece and an entire bottle of wine. They were each wasted beyond belief._

"_I bethur go" Grissom's slurred speech stated_

"_No, you can hath my bedth" Sara said standing and taking his hand leading him to her bedroom. "Lay down" she commanded._

_Sara turned to leave the room when Grissom took her arm. He pulled her around and kissed her soundly on the lips. He then led their alcohol induced bodies back to the bed._

_Sara awoke hours later, with the sound of her cell phone ringing. Her head was pounding and she felt like she was going to throw up. She felt a weight on her body and reached down and removed what she assumed to be Nick's arm, although she didn't remember when he got home. It was then that she realized that she was naked._

'_When did Nick get home and when did I have sex with him' Sara thought. _

_She heard a groan come from the other side of the bed and turned her body only to receive the shock of her life. Grissom was lying next to her, naked. She screamed bloody murder which caused him to bolt upright. Sara grabbed the sheet and pulled it up over her body._

"_What the hell is going on?" Sara screamed_

_Grissom shook his head, and then he realized he too was naked, "I have no idea, but I better get dressed"_

"_Yeah, I think that would be a good idea" Sara sighed "I can't believe I did this."_

_Grissom turned to face her after putting his pants on "did what?"_

"_You've got to be kidding me. Did what? I had sex with you. We were drunk and I had sex with you. I'm in love with Nick. I'm dating Nick. I love him, I'm sleeping with him. What the hell was I thinking?" Sara finished her tirade, got up from her bed and grabbed her robe, putting it over her body._

"_You need to leave and we never discuss what happened ever again. No one, I repeat NO ONE is to know what happened. This was all a mistake, a very bad mistake. You need to leave" Sara stated._

_Grissom followed Sara out of the bedroom, grabbing his keys on the way out._

_Sara, with just a robe around her, escorted Grissom out of her apartment. He had his shirt on, but unbuttoned and was carrying his shoes. Sara opened the door and they received the shock of their lives. Nick. His hand raised ready to knock when the door was thrown wide open._

Sara began crying even harder. She had caused so much pain to Nick; she will never be able to forgive herself. She walked over to the miniscule waiting room the unit had and sat down in one of the uncomfortable chairs, allowing the tears to continue streaming down her face.

Hannah stared at her father for a few moments after Sara ran out before speaking, "is mommy gonna be okay?"

Nick got up and walked over to his daughter, "she will be, but mommy is really upset right now"

Hannah bit her lower lip, "why did you and mommy have a fight"

Nick sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed, she was too young to know the truth and as far as he was concerned she should never know the truth, "Hannah, grown ups fight and your mommy and I did. We both said some mean things to each other. That was why mommy left town. I want you understand though, that this is not your fault. It never was."

"Okay" Hannah whispered

"Hannah you need to understand that adults, we make really bad choices sometimes. I wish mommy had told me about you sooner, because I would have been on the first flight out, like I was today"

They sat in silence for a few more moments before Hannah whispered "can I call you daddy?"

Nick reached over and pulled his daughter into a hug, "of course you can baby"

They held each other for a while before Hannah pulled away.

"Daddy"

"Yeah baby" Nick replied, his heart breaking at hearing his daughter call him daddy

"Why did you come now?"

"Well mommy called me and told me you were sick, so I got on the first plane and got here as fast as I could"

"Okay" she paused "Daddy"

"Yeah"

"Can you go make sure mommy's okay I'm worried about her"

"Are you sure you want to be alone baby?"

"Yeah, go check on mommy"

Nick leaned down and gave his daughter a kiss on the cheek, "I know I just met you baby, but I do love you. I just wanted you to know that"

"I love you too daddy" Hannah whispered

"I'll be right back"

"Okay"

Nick got up from the bed and walked towards the door; he turned and smiled at his daughter before leaving the room. Everything was happening so fast. He was so confused.

Nick walked down the hall and found Sara in the waiting room. Her hands covering her eyes, crying.

Nick walked over to her and sat down directly in front of her

"Sara"

She looked up, and was surprised to see compassion in his face

"Nick, I don't deserve the compassion that's written all over your face, everything that I did, and everything that happened..."

"It's in the past, Sara"

"But Nick, it's not a past that we have discussed."

"You're right Sara we haven't discussed what happened"

"I ran away Nick. I couldn't face you. I couldn't face your anger or hurt. I couldn't even face Grissom and we were drunk when we had sex. I have never run away from anything in my life and I did. I ran away from you because I was so ashamed of myself. I destroyed the one person that I loved more than life itself. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ran, I'm sorry that you never got a chance to scream at me or yell at me. But if it makes you feel any better Catherine, Warrick and Greg did it for you"

"What!" Nick replied surprised

"Nick, I know you told Warrick what happened. You left out that it was Grissom you caught me with. Warrick told Catherine. I'm not sure how Greg found out. The day I left, we got into a huge argument. I deserved everything they said. I hurt you. They love you and they wanted to protect you." Sara paused before continuing, "Somehow Catherine found out that I was living in Chicago. I'm not quite sure how though. She called me five months ago wanting to apologize."

"Five months ago you say?" Nick asked

"Yeah why?"

"Well I still talk to Warrick occasionally, he and Catherine are engaged now."

"What? When did that happened?"

"They began dating about two years ago and just got engaged about nine months ago, they are planning on getting married in February. Anyways, Warrick told me that Catherine had to go to a conference here in Chicago five months ago."

"Oh yeah" Sara said "I remember, it was a forensic science conference. The newest gadgets and whatnot. Some seminars. I had to go for work too."

"Catherine must have seen you then."

"I wonder why she didn't say anything?" Sara asked outloud

"She probably didn't want to upset you. Hell, Warrick never told me that Catherine saw you. I don't think Catherine was sure herself. She probably saw you, did a double take and asked around."

"But why wouldn't Warrick tell you that Catherine thought she saw me in Chicago?"

Nick brought his hands to his face and sighed, "Sara, you really hurt me. Honestly, there were times that I didn't think I would care at all if I ever saw you again. But then there were the other times."

Sara smiled, "I know. The times when a song comes on or you see something on the TV and think "I remember doing that with Nick". I get those a lot."

"So" Nick said wanting to change the subject back, "did you accept Catherine's apology?"

"Yeah I did."

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes just digesting what they had just spoken about. Thinking silently to themselves. Nick finally spoke up after five minutes of silence.

"Sara why didn't you tell you were pregnant?"

Sara took a deep breath, "because I wasn't sure who was the father, you or Grissom"

Nick leaned back in his chair and was about to say something when Sara interrupted, "she is yours. There is no question about that."

Nick nodded

"It was May when I found out I was pregnant" Sara started

_May 2004_

_Sara sat in her Chicago apartment. She was sitting on her bed waiting for the timer on the phone to go off. Five minutes later it did. She slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. On the sink were perched two pregnancy tests. Sara picked up both tests, each indicating what she already knew, she was pregnant. She threw the tests in the garbage and walked back to her bed and flopped down on it. She had no idea what to do. She never expected to get pregnant, let alone be in a position where she wasn't sure who the father was. Nick or Grissom, one or the other was the father of her baby. Nick and her weren't on speaking terms, in fact she had just found out from Jacqui that he moved back to Dallas, Texas. 'Needed a fresh start' was what he expressed to the team._

_Sara sighed, reached over and picked up her phone, dialing a number that she had memorized. She waited while the phone connected and the ringing began. The person on the other end picked up on the second ring._

"_Gil Grissom" the voice replied_

"_Grissom, its Sara. We need to talk. Is now a good time?"_

"_Um, sure. Hold on, let me just close my office door really quick"_

"_Okay"_

_She heard Grissom set the phone down and he came back moments later._

"_What's going on? Are you okay? Where are you?"_

"_Well something is going on, I'm not okay and I'm sorry but I don't want anyone to know where I am."_

"_Okay" Grissom stated "Then what's going on?"_

"_I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father of my baby is. I don't know if it's you or if it's Nick" Sara said forcefully_

"_Well, I can make this easier on you. It's Nick's baby."_

"_Excuse me; how the hell do you know this?"_

"_Look Sara, it's not like I publicly announce this, but I had a vasectomy 5 years ago. So my chances of getting you pregnant are slim to none, but if it makes you feel any better as soon as you become further along in your pregnancy to the point where a paternity test can be done, I will give you a DNA sample"_

"_Are you sure?" Sara asked pensively._

"_Yes, I'm sure Sara." Grissom paused "Get a pen and paper"_

"_What" Sara questioned, confused_

"_Get a pen and paper" Grissom repeated_

"_Okay, hold on" Sara got up from her bed and walked into the other bedroom of her apartment that she had set up as an office. She grabbed a pen and a scratch piece of paper, "Okay, I've got a pen and paper"_

"_Okay write this down. 972-555-9900"_

_Sara scribbled the number down, "Okay, why do I need this phone number?"_

"_It's Nick's number"_

_Sara sighed. Grissom heard the hesitation in the sigh, "You need to tell him Sara"_

"_I know, but he won't talk to me know. I'll have to tell him later. I don't want anyone, ANYONE, to know. Promise me you won't say anything, it's none of their concern or business."_

_It was Grissom's turn to sigh, "I promise"_

"_As soon as I find out when I can do a paternity test I'll call you"_

"_Okay"_

"_Bye" with that Sara hung up the phone_

"So, when I was seven months pregnant I contacted Grissom and he got a vial of blood to my doctor here in Chicago. A paternity test was done and it came back 99.9 that he was not the father."

"But it doesn't explain why you didn't tell me Sara, why now?"

"Nick, I did try calling. Once. Your brother, Tom, answered. I tried to leave a message, as soon as I said my name; he chewed me out and told me to never call again because he wasn't even going to give you the message. I was pregnant and hormonal and emotional and I just did what he said"

"Tom should have never said that"

"It doesn't matter Nick, like you said earlier, it's in the past. I can't change it, you can't change it, and all we can do is go on from it. Learn from it."

Nick sighed, "Sara this is going to take some time. Dealing with the fact that I have a daughter that I didn't know about for five years, finding out that she is sick, you. It's just going to take some time."

"Nick I understand. I can't expect anything from you. I broke your trust a long time ago and I know that I have to earn it back. I also know that it won't happen overnight. It is going to take time." Sara took a breath, "we should get back to Hannah, we've been gone for awhile now. Plus, her doctor should be dropping by soon and I want you to be able to talk to him."

Nick nodded. The two of them got up from their chairs and headed back to Hannah's room. Unsure of where to go, but glad that they had spoken, even just a little.


End file.
